Amanda on anxiety and busyness

I wish i had the words to explain what is going on inside of me. My blood flows quickly, like i'm on a caffenine high. The only problem is that it never seems to slow down, except for those few hours i sleep at night. But the moment i wake up, the pace inside my body seems to speed up again. I feel like i'm perpertually running, even when i'm just sitting and relaxing. My mind is forever racing. Even the pace of my breathing seems to have sped up. I am at a loss to what is happening inside of me. Even when i try to relax, i feel this anxiousness, this need to move, this need to do stuff. Lately i find myself furious at noise, at the movement that grips my life. All i want is a few hours of silence, no music, no people, no responcibilities.But even in those moments i cannot find silence. There is the voice inside of me that yells, "You have homework...you should be cleaning the house...you should be doing this or that...people are on thier way over, this is only temporary......." The perpertual motion of life seems to have swept me away into a whirlwind of activity. Even know, as the only sound in this house is the keyboard and my breathing, i hear the voices yelling, "you have a psych exam tomorrow, you need to drop off an assignment, you need to buy that textbook, you need to turn on music, you need to clean up, you need to shower and get ready to go to your next meeting....etc, etc, etc" Even as i type that, my heart races. I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack coming on. I have to take a moment to breath slowly to prevent a full blown attack. Unfortunatley, this is not just a rare occurance in my life at this moment. I have fought off numerous attacks this past week. So why am i so anxious??? I only wish i could tell you...i only wish i knew myself. Life is not as stressful as it has been in the past and i don;'t understand why my body is reacting this way. what is it that is pushing me towards the edge of insanity. I am terrified to actually allow myself to live through one of these attacks. I have this knawing feeling that if i can't fight it, i will go insane. Not normal Amanda insanity, but cliniically insane. This is not the first time i have felt this way in life. It terrifies me. I don't understand why this is happening to me.I wish i knew the source ecause then i could deal with it....but i don't. And that in itself makes me feel more and more anxious and upset.

I keep praying to God, "What is causing this anxiousness?" "God, i need your peace!" And the more i pray that, the more anxious i feel. Its not that i doubt God, i just feel overwhelmed with the weight that i am carrying. I need to experience the God of strenght and the God of peace. When i pray i feel like there is more stuff to be done. I felt like my heart hasn't been quieted before God in ages. Its not that i haven't tried....believe me, i have. But i can't seem to push all those"you need to do this and that" messages out of my head.

On top of all of that, i feel incredibly lost.My passion for the kids at C-21 has faded immensely. I still love the work, but i'm just not into it right now.Sorry to say, but i almost dread the phone calls. I can't get away from all the noise! There seems to be so much more personal stress in my life right now, that i can't deal with the stresses of others. If i am lost, how can i guide others? If i am tierd, how can i motivate others to move? I'm done. I need to change my schedule. But what goes? work??? I need money to pay rent and buy groceries. school??? i need an education, and i can't drop a class now. Friends and family? They already complain that i don't spend enought time with them. So what goes? i think i feel so hopeless. People are demanding so much from me. another supervision meeting here, another mentorship meeting there. I'm pulled in so many directions and i feel like i can't say no. They are important tihngs in my life, but all i want to do is say no to everthing! This morning i said no to 2 classes and just slept. Then i said no to friends and had a work out. I felt so relaxed. Yet, i'm still pressured to do so many things. Talk with people over lunch, hand in your paper etc. I just need to get away and i don't know how. Instead, i just try steal a few moments for myself here and there. I struggle with anxiety attacks and busyness. when will the madness stop?