My fear

I have a fear. A big fear that has been gripping me for the last few weeks. So much so that I have become withdrawn and introspective. This is something that I have just recently realized is such a big fear of mine. Well actually i think i've always know it was there, but never really had to put words to it until someone asked me what my biggest fear is. I have a HUGE fear of being alone. Lonliness, along with depression have always been things that i have struggled to keep under control ever since i was a teenager. But the type of lonliness is not just fear of being alone. Its more than that. It has more to do with personal lonliness. Not just lonliness in a crowd. Rarely, am I actually NOT around people. My fear is not of never seeing people. In fact, its more a fear of being with people and being alone. Have you ever been in a crowded room and felt alone??? Well, that is my fear. Being around people all the time and feeling alone. The weird thing is that when this fear grips me, i want to seclude myself from other people. I think in my messed up mind, its better to be away from people, than to be with others and feel alone. Its kinda like you haven't really failed at the social thing i guess (which is a huge insecurity for me).
Lately, i have felt so alone. Like the people i care about have just up and left. I'm positive that this is my own insecurities speaking and nothing that they have done. In fact, its probably my own doing, seeing as I am the one that has moved away. But yet, even when I'm with them, i feel alone. Its my own feelings, which i hate. Its gotta be something within me that changes. But what?

Today i must admit that i felt so alone, that i begged the cat to come a sit with me. In fact, i searched high and low for it, before i found it and called it all the way the down the stairs to the computer room with me.There is something about being in a huge home all by yourself that makes you feel even more alone. This is where i'm living out this fear. I don't know how you go about facing it. I'm sure i'll figure that out as time goes on. But for now, I must recognize the problem and deal with it as best i know how. I'm sure i'll eventually figure it out. But really, i just wanna be loved...for who I am....not who I'm supposed to be.